Alesia

Content note: This story discusses grief and depression.

My name is Alesia. Before I came to ISP, I was having a rough couple of years. My sponsor of 17 years passed away. The following year, my oldest daughter died, and six months later, her father passed away. I was lost, and I was depressed, and I felt disconnected. Although I felt like God was carrying me, I wanted to be gone. I was just hopeless.

I sought help, and it struck something in me. From that moment I said, “God, please help me. Whatever your will is for my life, please show me.” Then a friend in recovery told me about the retreats they had been going to for years. I asked if I could tag along and she said yes.

Before I got there, I felt empty. I had nothing else to give, not to my family, not to my job, not to the people that I work with in recovery.

But when I got to my first retreat, it was so welcoming, so loving. The people in ISP were genuine. I felt heard. I felt cared for. I felt understood, and I felt listened to, you know, for once. It felt like people really wanted to know who I was and wanted to help. They were genuinely concerned about me.

One of the ladies there didn’t struggle with substance use, and I don’t believe she struggled with mental health. But when I shared my story about going from fear to faith because I was afraid to live by myself, she shared a similar story, and it made me feel so connected.

Although she wasn’t a person in recovery, she was a human being that I could relate to, and it really touched my spirit that I had something in common with somebody. I belonged in the world. I didn’t feel like a freak anymore. I felt like, you’re human just like this lady is, so you’re okay. It made me feel so connected and close to her and the group, and God. I’ll be like, “Wow, we’re more alike than not,” and it’s amazing.

ISP has given me my voice back. I feel like I matter, like there is purpose in life again. With ISP, I found a lot. I just felt connected and I wanted to do more.

I’m a facilitator in Dayton now. The first time I helped facilitate, I didn’t have the skills I needed. I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. We got through it, but I wanted something more. I wanted to be able to give back like I saw some of the other ladies give back. Going to a retreat for ISP facilitators was an opportunity for me to learn more about my role and the things I want to do better to help people.

Today I help others who come here hopeless like I did. I share my experience so they can find hope, feel the love of our higher power, and feel cared for. It’s just been a great spiritual and learning experience for me. Oh, man, I just love the whole experience.

I’ve been a behavioral health tech for more than a year now, supporting people in early recovery. I run groups, creating a welcoming space for people to come and share their experience, and giving them information to help them in their recovery. To me, it’s like coming to a retreat. I feel like the dots are connecting, like this is what God wants me to do.

It’s all connected, because mental health plays a big part in my recovery. If I don’t take care of my mental health and my spiritual well-being, my recovery is going to fall apart. Just learning that I’m okay and that God loves me right where I am gives me hope. I just feel worthwhile.

I want to give people the hope that I found here, and let them know that God loves us right where we are. Even though we make mistakes, we are not mistakes. We can recover from this and we can help other people. We can be worthwhile and have a purpose, and have hope.

Alesia, Dayton